So You Wanna: Be An I-Banker Girlfriend?

Flashback to Thursday, April 06, 2006

So You Wanna: Be An I-Banker Girlfriend?

So, you want to be a banker girlfriend. Perhaps you've even been a banker "girlfriend" before -- that one time at Mardis Gras, or for a few hours in a dark corner of Marquee -- and now you want to lose those scare quotes?

Well, like anything else, there are rules to becoming a banker girlfriend. If you commit to these 5 simple yet indispensible guidelines, you are well on your way to having a loving, fulfilling relationship with the banker of your dreams, (and possibly a three-story in Greenwich, with unlimited access to brawny pool boys and the latest in pharmaceuticals)

1. Work at Sotheby's.

This is first for a reason. I simply can not stress enough the importance of working at Sotheby's. Sotheby's is what we call a "feeder workplace". Each year, a high percentage of Sotheby's women go on to date bankers from all the "bulge brackets".

If, for some reason, you can not get a job at Sotheby's, there are a few other acceptable professions, including: development at the MOMA or Natural History Museum, PR, and book publishing (anywhere but HarperCollins, for obvious reasons)

Careers to Avoid: Professional athletics, landscaping, and, of course, banking.

2. Dress the Part

Was it Stan O'Neal or was it Usher Ludacris who said: "We want a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed."? It's a well-known fact that the most successful bankers, like the most successful R&B artists, struggle with a textbook virgin/whore complex. Being a banker girlfriend is a balancing act. You must cater to both of your man's feminine ideals. That's right, you must be the Jackie and the Marilyn.

Fashion tip: Wear a pair of tailored Marc Jacobs pants with a sparkly tube top from Strawberry. Alternatively: cut-off jean shorts (vestigal pockets exposed), with a beige turtleneck.

3. Embrace Alternative Lifestyles

Try to get beyond your narrow concept of a "committed relationship". For help, watch HBO's "Big Love". Imagine yourself with 2 or 3 "sister girlfriends". Now, imagine that one of these "sister girlfriends" is your boyfriend's secretary, and the other works at the Coffee Bean in the World Financial Center. Imagine that you are all sleeping with the same man, with absolutely no spiritual justification, and that everything is a bit more "hush-hush". Replay this scenerio in your head until you become sufficiently open-minded.

4. Use the Buddy System

It's another well known fact that bankers, when they emerge from their offices, move in packs. It's a lesser known fact that the "alpha banker" tends to travel in the direct center of such packs, obscured by shorter, cheaper, possibly even state-schooled "beta bankers". Bringing a friend is not just fun, it's a dynamite tool for breaking through the undesirables. How about that girl you knew from high school? The one who walks with a limp due to the childhood polio, has a goiter and a lazy eye, but such a pretty smile?

Maybe she'd like to join you for drinks somewhere out of the way - oh, I don't know - Broad Street?

5. Don't Give Up.

Finally, there will be times when you'll wonder if you're up for the challenge, if you have the "right stuff". One thing is for certain: you'll never know unless you give it your all.

Aim high. Like mom used to say: Reach for a banker. You can always settle for a consultant.